chrisisfussling

I want to die so people will stop mind-raping my existance. nuff said.

after little debate and a long advancement of symptoms, someone finally called to my attention that I might in fact need help. Every time I've heard someone say to me, "you need to see a therapist." I imediately assume they think I'm crazy or a lesser form of personality and I need to assume a false medicated life. I've spent a whole year absolutely miserable and things keep getting worse I secretly make up excuses to what I want. although, lately I've been saying to myself maybe I don't want things...if I really wanted them I would have them by now. That's how its been since childhood. aparently thats not the case, others around me have observed my relentless drive to win. So far I've done nothing but lose and it gets worse and worse. Someone asked me why I always fight everything, basically what's this need to beat something or someone at some game I make up on the spot. I said achievements, I meant in several aspects of life and those closest to me should know this from my situation. Because I haven't been able to fulfill those needs it just tears me apart...more than it probably should. At least till the point where I make a screeching halt on life and relationships. I have had a history of inferiority complex but that seems to stay in its place so whats with me making my life so shitty for constantly thrusting myself into battles? Narcissistic personality disorder? I've never heard of such a thing but I'm starting to wonder if that fits me now... I wish I could just ask someone but... oh well.

fuck it.

...and i know i shouldn't get so damn upset over it but this damn contemporary american society just makes my day a shithole. it should be called condemmened american society. Everyone talks about issues...or we're supposed to, about issues of a troubled society even small groups. today was class and identification. About blue collar society vs. the stereotypical american dream. We were then seperated into small groups to discuss questions asked about this topic. Can someone who is blue collar, or later described as "on the bottom", achieve the american dream. I answered yes backing myself up with facts, a motivational philosphy, and examples. Examples of real fucking people who were considered on the bottom (by the groups standards) and are now living high fucking society--locals to be exact. and you know what... I was kicked out of the group by the group... This happens every class. If i so much as threaten someones beliefs or contradict their arguments only using their material, i'm denied a voice and a face. condemned for my veiws and cast out. That...so happens to be the very problem they 'deny' is going on. BITCHES!

I can't stop its killing me, I said i wasn't into this class. I know i'm only taking it for my degree. however, this behavior leads me to one conclusion. That if i don't rise up and defend my views or even take the chance to express myself in front of an audience *gasp... theres a twisted way of walking out and never obtaining my degree for not being able to participate. I'm certainly not going to storm off because no one will listen but if they continue to exile me for my outrageous veiws that are strictly rubbish, to them, theres that chance. I'll be fucked because of ignorant assholes who just can't deal with another perspective. comme bastards!

I think thats enough for today...

but theres always this livejournal... I'm really not allowed to do anything with myself. material police should remove me from the living world.

guilt-at first it just seems like i'm incredibly shy but so shy that my very pressence is incriminating. I always want to reach out but it seems like the worst thing i can do.

embarresment-theres a certain hate that comes with it. But i have no idea where it comes from and what its directed towards.

frustration-giving a damn about anything and to not. keep running on that circle for a while.

Pressure-damned if i do damned if i dont. but none of it really matters anyways.

lonliness-and what feeling is worse than that than being invisible or being seen.

exhaustion-why...why such inner turmoil. for whom anyways.

i'm just going to narrow it down to those for now. I want control...

I won't feel pain anymore after I completely sever the source.

never have I felt so alone in my creativity. the creative part itself seems to take me by the hand and lead me down new paths I have no reason to follow. I'm left with the truth that there will always be parts of me to never reach the surface, those that are buried in secrets. I can't even begin to write them in codes through series as I hoped. even I'm still trying to remember what it was I didn't want people to forget.

not that anyone will read this...

everyone around me is fucking retarded!! @_@ theres no creative influence. I need to get back some of what I give. christ! I want them to know I hate them but how do you talk to a fucktaRd!?

except Chris who is more to me than I had ever imagined. I want to steal a boat and sail away with him. AWAY FROM ALL YOU STUPID FUCKERS!!

...
"i'm going to go to my room and paint homo-things"-wedding crashers

the fuck am I doing...

...

*stares

heh heh heh heh...

nevermind... everything i see today has some kind of hit towards me. ahahahaa... @_@

when will this hate streak end? when will i stop bleeding? seriously... I've grown so apart from myself I have no control anymore. Its like everything I do is in secret. shit, I can't even mention it without knowing it'll get back to me...

and my eyes...ahhhrrghh... I know what the doctors going to say next... fuhck... its like i grew up to let go... slowly... dammit! not what I had in mind!

gahh fuckit i'm to pissed to say anything... stupid impostinator...fucking everything up...

...maybe it is just me... maybe i've reached a level of tension where I can't go on anymore. perhaps this house is just... not workable. It clogs my mind and stirs my emotions. every smell, putrid. every noise, disturbing.